For Micaiah
3/26/2020
You probably don’t remember this:
One day we were joking in the car after school.
You said something about being a mistake.
I corrected you.
“I got pregnant by accident,” I told you.
“What’s the difference?” you asked me.
“Accidents can be happy &
You are my happiest.”
Oh, my sweet girl –
There has never been one second
Since the doctor told me you were coming
That my arms haven’t ached to hold you
& hold you & hold you &
Keep you with me –
My eyes locked on your perfect little face.
There is nothing you have ever done
That has dimmed how miraculous
You are to me –
How someone as me as me could birth
Someone as you as you is just evidence
For me
That God is real.
God put you here on purpose,
Little One.
You are so deeply special –
So brilliant & complicated,
So gifted & goofy,
So sweet & strong –
Just know that any time
I growled & showed my teeth to you
It was to scare you off something
That was bigger & meaner –
Something that would lunge & bite.
My purest, truest hope is that
We have years & years more to
Be together –
But if we do not –
If this virus chokes off our time –
Please –
Remember this:
My love for you is an ocean –
You could never have gotten to its bottom –
No matter how madly you swam or sadly you sank.
You never have (had) to work for my love.
All you ever have (had) to do is be my daughter.
You are my daughter.
You are my only daughter.
You are the only person I have ever loved this much, this way –
& when I am gone
All you have to do for me is
Love yourself like
I love you.
You can forget everything about me
If you want –
If you need –
Except all the things I did to
Make you smile.
Beautiful! Just beautiful!
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Thank you.
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Thank you!
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It was God sending a message of my mom through you. I have having such a difficult time right now in my life. The fear I feel everyday is exhausting with the covid 19, I am almost to the point of bankrupcy, and I am frequently food insecure. God knows I am so tired. Thank you for a lovely message. God bless…..
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God bless you, Pam. I pray that you make it through this horribly tough time and are all right on the other side.
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I just read this again and wanted to leave you a note, even though I also wrote a blog post featuring this poem. It’s truly sweet and beautiful and poignant . . . and brings tears to my eyes. Although I’m not a mother (clearly) and can’t fully empathize with a mother’s love for her child, and although my children are both adopted from China, I can’t imagine my love for them being any deeper than it is. I am also pained by the knowledge that I was 55 and 59 when we adopted them and am nearly 73 now. They’re still teenagers and, even before this pandemic struck, I grieved for them, knowing they would almost certainly lose me long before they should. They don’t deserve that, having already lost two families when they were toddlers. COVID-19 has only exacerbated that unease and your poem is like a velvet backhand.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my work and respond. Your story touches me very deeply. I am praying for your family. They are lucky to have such a lovely person as you.
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